updates

BREAKING POINT (an update)

 

Hello, my dear readers!

As I write this, it is Tuesday night in California. As you read this, it will be a different date and a different place, but I hope you all are doing incredibly well and that you are happy wherever you are in this grand universe of ours.

One of my latest posts, “Burnout,” has received much attention due to the fact that I revealed some difficult stresses in my life right now. Your support has meant the world to me. Though I rely on my family, friends, and God for so much, I know that I have this community to help me as well, and that makes me so incredibly thankful. But since you guys are a part of my life now, I wanted to update you a little as to what’s going on.

Recently it has come to my attention that, as an INFP personality type, I let people stomp all over me. One of my traits is that I love harmony, and I try to include people on everything and everything, to the point of undermining my own mental health. This very thing has happened to the point of my breaking point. What does this mean, and what happened? Well, let’s answer these questions.

I am a pretty calm person, and I rely on zen. I’m an individualist by nature, but I crave unity for every person with whom I come into contact. Analytically I search people’s eyes, looking for hurt and happiness and all sorts of elements. It may be weird, but it’s also who I am. I rely on what I can detect, and I value intuition.

My friend group has been putting me through a lot lately. Relationships are always work. We know this. If there were no issues in our relationships, then would they really be relationships? It’s because humans want specific things, and others don’t. It’s because we value certain things, and others don’t. So now I’m going to be selfish for a second. I don’t want to admit this, but it’s the truth, and it’s something I value: I’ve come to learn that I’ve put too much of my energy into other people.

People are why the world matters. They’re the reason that things get done, societies are built, and love can spread like wildfire. They do stupid things, and sometimes they’re so ridiculous that there’s no questioning motive. But sometimes it’s the opposite. People can manipulate and stab each other’s backs. They can eat their friends alive, leaving nothing but the bones behind.

Basically, I have come to the conclusion that out of my friend group, I am the person who listens to everyone: Their stories, tragedies, and goals. I love this, because human connection is crucial to my happiness. But it has gotten to the point where I have been verbally attacked for not taking sides and, quite honestly, for being myself.

A friend group of five people is not ideal. That’s what I’ve learned, not when each person comes to the table with different expectations and refuses to listen to others. It’s especially not ideal when four of the five begin to form sides, and the fifth becomes caught in the crosshairs.

I still believe in mediation. I believe that I handled myself in the best way possible for the situation, and I stood up for myself and my values. I am not sorry to be a happy, conflict-free person. I am not sorry that I wish the best for others, though I am sorry that it sometimes harms my soul in response. I am not sorry that I canceled a trip to Hawaii in order to go home to Tennessee because of disrespectful individuals. And I’m not sorry for taking a stand and not going with the flow for once.

Growing up is a hard thing to do. It’s something we will all hopefully experience. It’s a chance to melt your skin and bloom into who you were always meant to be. Though there are tough, tense moments in this time, I am still grateful for the life lessons I’m learning. Through it all, I have found meaning in the people who have respected me and wished for my happiness. There were countless friends and family members who helped me through this time, realizing that I was jeopardizing my mental health for people who only wanted to belittle me for remaining a friend to everyone.

To those individuals, thank you so much for listening to me and putting up with my antics. You saw how hurt I was, and I’ve seen your good hearts.

Things ebb and flow; that’s life. At this point in time, I’ve realized that I’ve wasted so much time on certain relationships that have cost me other ones. (Economics and opportunity costs, anyone?) But I’m glad to have come to this conclusion now rather than later.

Sometimes we must reach our breaking points in order to find the solution to our problems. Obviously, we must handle situations with respect, but we cannot be trampled on forever and ever without some sort of blowback. Be yourself, be humble, and remember that good comes from even the worst of situations. Treat others like you want to be treated. It shouldn’t be that hard of a concept, but for some it is.

Therefore, my dear readers, I hope that you understand I am in a better place now. I am going home in less than a week for my spring break. I am flying solo, in more ways than one. 😉 I have seen so much good in people, even when I’ve seen the bad too. And I’m hurt, but I’m also working to mend myself in the process.

Do what makes you happy, as long as it doesn’t cost the happiness of others. And, as one of my friends sweetly reminded me, “After a hurricane comes a rainbow.” 

Until next time,

-K.

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After a hurricane comes a rainbow. (Mar del Plata, Argentina // December 2017)