updates

BREAKING POINT (an update)

 

Hello, my dear readers!

As I write this, it is Tuesday night in California. As you read this, it will be a different date and a different place, but I hope you all are doing incredibly well and that you are happy wherever you are in this grand universe of ours.

One of my latest posts, “Burnout,” has received much attention due to the fact that I revealed some difficult stresses in my life right now. Your support has meant the world to me. Though I rely on my family, friends, and God for so much, I know that I have this community to help me as well, and that makes me so incredibly thankful. But since you guys are a part of my life now, I wanted to update you a little as to what’s going on.

Recently it has come to my attention that, as an INFP personality type, I let people stomp all over me. One of my traits is that I love harmony, and I try to include people on everything and everything, to the point of undermining my own mental health. This very thing has happened to the point of my breaking point. What does this mean, and what happened? Well, let’s answer these questions.

I am a pretty calm person, and I rely on zen. I’m an individualist by nature, but I crave unity for every person with whom I come into contact. Analytically I search people’s eyes, looking for hurt and happiness and all sorts of elements. It may be weird, but it’s also who I am. I rely on what I can detect, and I value intuition.

My friend group has been putting me through a lot lately. Relationships are always work. We know this. If there were no issues in our relationships, then would they really be relationships? It’s because humans want specific things, and others don’t. It’s because we value certain things, and others don’t. So now I’m going to be selfish for a second. I don’t want to admit this, but it’s the truth, and it’s something I value: I’ve come to learn that I’ve put too much of my energy into other people.

People are why the world matters. They’re the reason that things get done, societies are built, and love can spread like wildfire. They do stupid things, and sometimes they’re so ridiculous that there’s no questioning motive. But sometimes it’s the opposite. People can manipulate and stab each other’s backs. They can eat their friends alive, leaving nothing but the bones behind.

Basically, I have come to the conclusion that out of my friend group, I am the person who listens to everyone: Their stories, tragedies, and goals. I love this, because human connection is crucial to my happiness. But it has gotten to the point where I have been verbally attacked for not taking sides and, quite honestly, for being myself.

A friend group of five people is not ideal. That’s what I’ve learned, not when each person comes to the table with different expectations and refuses to listen to others. It’s especially not ideal when four of the five begin to form sides, and the fifth becomes caught in the crosshairs.

I still believe in mediation. I believe that I handled myself in the best way possible for the situation, and I stood up for myself and my values. I am not sorry to be a happy, conflict-free person. I am not sorry that I wish the best for others, though I am sorry that it sometimes harms my soul in response. I am not sorry that I canceled a trip to Hawaii in order to go home to Tennessee because of disrespectful individuals. And I’m not sorry for taking a stand and not going with the flow for once.

Growing up is a hard thing to do. It’s something we will all hopefully experience. It’s a chance to melt your skin and bloom into who you were always meant to be. Though there are tough, tense moments in this time, I am still grateful for the life lessons I’m learning. Through it all, I have found meaning in the people who have respected me and wished for my happiness. There were countless friends and family members who helped me through this time, realizing that I was jeopardizing my mental health for people who only wanted to belittle me for remaining a friend to everyone.

To those individuals, thank you so much for listening to me and putting up with my antics. You saw how hurt I was, and I’ve seen your good hearts.

Things ebb and flow; that’s life. At this point in time, I’ve realized that I’ve wasted so much time on certain relationships that have cost me other ones. (Economics and opportunity costs, anyone?) But I’m glad to have come to this conclusion now rather than later.

Sometimes we must reach our breaking points in order to find the solution to our problems. Obviously, we must handle situations with respect, but we cannot be trampled on forever and ever without some sort of blowback. Be yourself, be humble, and remember that good comes from even the worst of situations. Treat others like you want to be treated. It shouldn’t be that hard of a concept, but for some it is.

Therefore, my dear readers, I hope that you understand I am in a better place now. I am going home in less than a week for my spring break. I am flying solo, in more ways than one. 😉 I have seen so much good in people, even when I’ve seen the bad too. And I’m hurt, but I’m also working to mend myself in the process.

Do what makes you happy, as long as it doesn’t cost the happiness of others. And, as one of my friends sweetly reminded me, “After a hurricane comes a rainbow.” 

Until next time,

-K.

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After a hurricane comes a rainbow. (Mar del Plata, Argentina // December 2017)

 

 

 

 

 

Uncategorized

BURNOUT

burnout

noun

burn·​out | \ ˈbərn-ˌau̇t \

1: the cessation of operation usually of a jet or rocket engine also : the point at which burnout occurs
2a: exhaustion of physical or emotional strength or motivation usually as a result of prolonged stress or frustration  
b: a person suffering from burnout

HELLO, my dear readers.

I hope you are all having an amazing day. Can you believe it is already the middle of February? Wow! There are so many incredible things just around the corner, and I can’t wait to hear your updates and read your blog posts.

Today’s blog post is going to be a little different. This is going to be an “emotions” post, where I update you guys on how I am feeling in life and whatnot. Writing has always been a therapeutic activity for me, as I’m sure it is for you, and I love being able to use this outlet to jot out my thoughts and receive feedback from you guys. Thank you, as always, for your gracious comments and prayers for me. ❤

And without further ado, I’ll just state it simply: I’m on the verge of burnout.

Burnout is a terrible feeling. It’s when things aren’t going your way, and you find that the things that once made you happy aren’t doing you justice anymore. It’s ruthless and powerful.

As humans we experience a wave of emotions. Sometimes we’re propelled into outer space, we’re so happy; others we are in valleys void of water, and droughts bloom in our hearts. Though I think we all hate the droughts while we’re in them, it makes that taste of water that much better. Growth isn’t possible without both highs and lows, and this is something I try to focus on when I’m on the verge of burnout.

So what’s going on? Why am I feeling this way?

I can trace the beginning of it to last week, when my friend group got into a massive argument. While things are better now, this argument exposed a deep fracture in these relationships, and as an INFP I have been really affected by how things are not what I thought they were. I value loyalty and friendship above most things, but not when it destroys my happiness.

These thoughts may seem harsh, but I cannot stand drama. As a person who always takes the middle of the road approach, I’ve found myself on a ledge where no one else is. From being in the middle, I have found myself pulled in two directions, and I’m tired of it. I’m sick of the sting of selfishness. And people are the way they are.

Though I want to find fault in others, I know part of the blame belongs to me for how I handle things. I allow people to walk all over me, because I want to help others in all I can, though this causes pain and hurt in my own walk. We can only carry so much before collapse. I’m sure some of you guys can relate.

As a result of this friend group problem, I have started to analyze the situations around me. There are certain aspects of my life that are absolutely incredible, things I would never change, but there are others that leave seeds of doubt in my brain. I hate wasted time, and I feel as if a lot of it is vanishing before my eyes.

However, I value so many relationships outside of this situation, the people who have listened to me talk nonstop about these frustrations. My family is an integral part of this, and without them I know things would be so much worse. Plus, you guys have also contributed to helping me through this state of anger, and again it means the world to me that you have chosen to listen. 🙂

And to clarify… Flying has given me an outlet to escape my college world. It is the thing that keeps me grounded right now, though the weather has been pretty terrible in Southern California in the past few months. However, the sun always comes out in the end!

If you guys are also going through burnout, just know that eventually it will end, and things will return to normal. However, we have to be willing to do things to relax our frazzled brains. We have to repair ourselves in order to find happiness, and if this means cutting out certain relationships or activities, we must do it to gain ourselves once more.

The truth: Things will change.

Until next time,

-K.

P.S. Life is great. Though I am hurt in some aspects, I am very happy in others! ❤

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Baby Katie: This pretty much describes how I feel right now. 🙂